Emotional Abuse

There are certain similarities between emotional abusers.

The similarities are that they:

• have anger – whether it manifests in physical, verbal, or emotional abuse;
• are not interested in resolving issues and thrive on drama;
• are controlling, even manipulative, and addicted to the feeling of power;
• are disorganised;
• have emotional outbursts;
• are selfish;
• are unpredictable;
• lacks empathy and is not really interested in your opinions, thoughts, and feelings;
• have no insight into their actions;
• emotionally abuse their loved ones;
• do not communicate in a healthy way;
• are manipulative;
• show no guilt or recognition for their actions;
• take no responsibility for their behaviour;
• have no respect for the values of others, and;
• are emotionally absent.

Although we are talking about similarities here, it is sometimes difficult to determine the differences between the different disorders.  That is why we are referring to it as cluster-B personality disorders. The great similarity between these disorders is that they are emotional abusers.

The differences are:

• antisocial personality disorders are not at all bothered by the hurt they cause. They don’t even realise it as they are only concerned about themselves and their needs;
• people with narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, on the other hand, are driven by a sense of security; to reduce their sense of fear of abandonment;
• narcissistic personality disorder’s biggest fear is getting caught out;
• borderline personality disorder’s biggest fear is being rejected;
• histrionic personality disorder’s biggest fear is rejection and abandonment, leading them to exaggerate emotions or behaviours to maintain social engagement.

You may not allow yourself to be misguided by these people for their incredible charm and persuasiveness. These people impress everyone for reasons we will see later. However, most of these people become bosses, leaders, rulers, and people of power as they have all the persuasive abilities. Once they are in power, they plunge their world into chaos.

Without going into it further, you can think back in history itself to how many of these people became dictators and plunged their countries, even sometimes the whole world into chaos.  Think about leaders like Adolf Hitler, Alexander the Great, Joseph Stalin, Pot Pol, and Saddam Hussein, to mention a few. These are charismatic people who could get an entire population to vote for them and come into power. Whether it is to become a world leader, a boss, or a financially, intellectually, or socially successful person.

How sheep are caught, eaten, and spat out again

The abuser seduces you, gets you in their clutches, abuses you, and then spits you out again. The process, summed up may look more or less like this:

1. the first phase is the fishing or the romantic phase. You are literally reeled in by all their romantic deeds, words, and promises;
2. which is then followed by the tension phase where tension builds, and communication gets lost;
3. emotional abuse starts to happen;
4. followed by the reconciliation phase in which the abuser apologises and promises to change, blames the empath for it all, or says that it was not that bad;
5. next we have the calm phase, where romance runs high again and the incident is forgotten, and;
6. until you are eventually being spat out somewhere during these phases, and you are just being left there in the cold.

Let’s now go into more depth on each one of these phases.

Romantic or fishing phase

A Wolf can only catch the sheep if they put on the sheep’s clothing so that the sheep can confuse them for one of their own. The wolf then gains your trust and thus catches you in their trap.

During this phase, the wolf attracts you like fish with delicious and tasty bait in the water, waiting for you to bite. You are overwhelmed with romance, charm, love, and empathy, or so-called empathy. It’s hard for anyone not to bite into this bait. You may think that you hit the jackpot since this person is just too incredible for words.

They appear to be incredibly real, and sincere that people will never believe you if you tell them what really happened. They can deceive even experienced psychologists with the utmost ease. As mentioned before, cluster-B’s choose beautiful, successful, or rich partners as it soothes their egos. As soon as they start living together or get married, the abuse begins. They feel threatened and must do everything possible to bring this person under their control. They start isolating their partner from their family, friends, money, resources, and even break down their self-esteem using, among other things, Gaslighting (which I will explain later). This is how they ensure that their loved one does not leave them.

The abusers present themselves as these incredible people knocking their victim’s feet out from under them.

How are they fishing?

• First, they assess

These people have the most amazing ability to quickly summarise and understand you. They are on the lookout for people with certain characteristics, especially loyalty, honesty, authenticity, credibility, compassion, and optimism. There may be more, but these are the most important features they are looking for. They are also on the lookout for people with strong values and beliefs, faith in religion, or faith in humanity.

Not to forget individuals with great empathy and physically attractive or beautiful people. They seek out the so-called empaths which I will tell you more about later. They are looking for people who have experienced hurt in their own lives and prey on empathy from these people who know what it feels like to be hurt.

• Secondly, they gain your trust

These people have an incredible ability to read your hopes, wishes, and dreams. They can literally suck you in with their incredible and intense interest in you, your life, and your world. They create an almost surrealistic world; a fantasy that seems to become a reality. It feels too good to be true. They make you feel like no one has ever made you feel before. No one has ever made you feel so good about yourself, whether it is business, love, or whatever level of fraud it may be. They will buy the groceries, pay your rent, or overload you with compliments or gifts, expensive overseas trips, or the happiest future family ever. You fall into their arms, overwhelmed. The bait is just getting too good (to be true).

• Thirdly, they take

As you will learn later in this article, you begin to realise that you have become their property: physically, mentally, financially, and also emotionally. You have moved in with this person very quickly or even got married in a flash. You build your whole world around them. You do not care what your friends or family say and think that they are probably just jealous. After all, you are soul mates. And sooner than later, you are sharing everything, even bank accounts, and passwords. Not to mention the passion between the two of you. You have never experienced so much passion, intensity, and love. You are being told how wonderful you are, your bath is filled with rose petals, and more. You are constantly being told how much they love you. This is called love bombing. This person is just the most amazing, most involved, most caring, most loving partner or stepparent you will ever find.

However, you gradually begin to sense a weird feeling that something is not kosher, that something is wrong, although you can’t pinpoint it and assume that the problem might be with you. They may start to come home late, take somebody out for dinner, have conversations late at night, or even have affairs. However, you keep on believing their lies. You begin to believe it’s just your imagination and that you should think differently. You also begin to systematically realise, almost as if you are waking up from a long hibernation, that they have not met their financial responsibilities and promises. Meanwhile, intimacy is a long time lost. Their old charm may return from time to time and other people keep on thinking that they are just absolutely wonderful. Although you realise something just does not feel right, you keep on clinging to this dream you initially fell in love with.

To interrupt myself, I am reminded of a men’s magazine years ago, that had a regular page with a beautiful girl posing in a sexy bikini. The page was called: hey it is your ex-girlfriend. There was, besides her picture, also an interview with this specific girl about her ex-boyfriend. The ex is usually belittled during the interview, with her telling the readers what he did wrong, how bad he was, and why he could eat his heart out for losing her. And finally, at the very bottom, there was a photo of the ex with an insert in which he could respond to the allegations in only one sentence. One ex’s comment was: I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

You’ve been swallowed, and you will keep being swallowed.

The voltage phase

Tensions are now starting to build. You start to realise more and more that there is something wrong, and you still can’t pinpoint it.  However, you start questioning the abuser’s provoking conversations and even interrogating. Emotional abuse follows when this phase of tension begins. You start to address these issues, but you are being met with emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is the core of our challenge here.  I would like to take some time to dwell on this phase of emotional abuse for a while.

Emotional abuse is a form of brainwashing that systematically destroys the abused ones’ self-confidence and sense of self-worth. The abused starts to lose self-confidence gradually over a period of time. Emotional abuse manifests itself when you constantly have to hear how bad you, your friends, your family, your job, your values, and everything that is important to you, are. Gradually you start to stop believing in yourself as well as your recourses, even if the facts prove the opposite and even when you start to realise that the opposite is in actual fact true. You keep on receiving these messages over and over again until you eventually start to believe them (against all rational facts).

Emotional abuse in its’ deepest essence amounts to aggression.

Aggression can occur in many forms:

• overt abuse

Excessive abuse takes place in the form of aggression you can observe. This abuse may manifest itself in the following (obvious) ways:

•   physical aggression

Physical aggression is the most common form of overt abuse wherein the abuser acts physically aggressively. It might be aggression aimed directly at you, your possessions, your children, and even your pets. You might even be raped, assaulted, or even killed;

•   verbal aggression

Verbal aggression involves insults, name-calling, sarcasm, accusations, blaming, threats, belittling, criticism, and commands. The abuser places themselves in a superior position and claims the right to criticize you. Verbal aggression can also adopt more covert forms such as so-called advice, analysis, belittling, and questioning. However, these are just more subtle ways to make you feel inferior, even though it may seem like help.  I know better, and you can’t do without me;

•  emotional aggression or abuse

This aspect involves someone trying to submit another person through power and control. Attempts are made to gain power over you by using a variety of techniques, such as fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, manipulation, coercion, constant criticism, and even physical assault you. We’ll discuss this more in-depth later in this article.

• Covert or covered abuse

Covert abuse is a form of abuse that may not be visible to the naked eye. You are subtly manipulated and your entire life is subtly taken over.

A professor of psychology demonstrated the process of conditioning to his students. The students had to identify a specific person on campus and every time they saw the identified person, they had to tell him that he looked pale, and asked him whether he was feeling ill, nauseous, or having diarrhea, although there was nothing wrong with this specific person.  He had to hear these questions so many times on that particular day that he, as a result of repetition, began to get pale, vomit, and eventually developed diarrhea that night.

This is exactly what happens to the abused. Repetition can cause them to believe that they are the ones who are wrong or did something wrong. They begin to believe that it’s all their fault, even though they have done nothing wrong. It all boils down to the fact that everything wrong is to be blamed on the abused as if they really did something wrong.

Covert abusers abuse, humiliate, and especially hurt their loved ones. They use a myriad of tactics to confuse their victims’ reality, evade responsibility and get you on the defence all the time. You might become so confused and develop more and more a feeling that you can’t solve the challenge.

Covert abusers may make use of distraction tactics so that you are no longer sure about what you actually have discussed, or that you are so forced off your track of thinking, that you can’t even remember what the point was that you were initially trying to make.

Any of the following might happen:

•   Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the abuser repeatedly manipulates the situation to get the victim to distrust their own thoughts, ideas, memories, and perceptions. It causes the victims to question everything they have relied on their whole lives and makes them unsure of everything they believe. Gaslighting is caused by the victim believing everything the abuser tells them, regardless of their own experience and the facts of the situation.

Typical examples of gaslighting dialogues are: it never happened, you are imagining it, are you really sure of it? and you must be crazy. Gaslighting is one of the most cunning manipulations to destroy your sense of reality. You no longer know what truth is. Sometimes gaslighting can be aggressive and straightforward and sometimes so subtle that you do not even notice it. You trust no one anymore, especially not yourself.

In 1938, the stage play, Gas Light was released. In this play, a man tries to drive his wife crazy by using a variety of techniques to make her doubt her own mental health and perceptions. The man dimmed the rest of the house’s lights while using lanterns to search for treasures in the attic. When his wife realised it and confronted him, he insisted that it was not true, but only her imagination. In doing so, he tried to convince her and other people that she was insane and remembered things incorrectly.

He made her and other people believe that she cannot see the true reality and thus she begins to distrust her own judgment. She then begins to believe that it is all her fault. The woman becomes too scared to raise any issue because she fears she may be wrong or does not remember things correctly. She then will be “helped” to remember things correctly.

However, it is a process that happens over a longer period of time. It initially starts with a lie here, a fight and remark there, and gradually becomes more and more. You might not even notice what is going on.  Initially, you might perceive it as ordinary, or normal, and not give it a second thought, or even forget about it.  Gradually, you may start to sense that something is amiss, yet you struggle to identify the exact issue, but you can’t pin it down.

During an experiment, researchers put a frog into a pot of boiling water. The frog immediately jumped out, as the water was too hot. After that, they put the same frog in a pot of cold water, in which the frog was comfortable. They then gradually heated the water and the frog’s system gradually adjusted to the increasing temperature. Eventually, the water reached boiling point, and the frog burnt to death, just right there in its’ comfort zone

Before you burn to death or decide to leave the relationship, you might be reeled back by hearing great things about yourself. Cold water is now being added to your pot to calm your suspicion. At this point in time, you might become completely confused, and might even decide to stay in the relationship. I will refer to this again later when explaining love bombing. Actually, the abuser wants to change your sense of reality to match theirs. Their defence mechanisms (please see my article on Psychological defence mechanisms on this website) are so overwhelming that their sense of integrity or conscience has been totally suppressed. They are only concerned about their own needs and wants as if it were a struggle for survival.

•   Dissociation

They might remember things much differently than other people or sometimes they do not remember certain things at all. We may think they are lying, but they are not lying – they just remember things very differently than we do.  They are so sure of themselves that their lies become their truth and reality and they believe it as such. They also have the ability to completely forget about what happened, as if it never happened.  They may even forget about you at the end of your relationship as if you never even existed.

•   Projection

Projection is a psychological defence mechanism that we all use from time to time. Projection means that we literally project our own qualities that we do not want to acknowledge about ourselves onto other people. For example: I think you have an ugly nose, is a simple example of projection. I do not like my own nose, but I can or do not want to face it and only see other people’s ugly noses. I think you’re pathetic is another classic example. I can’t handle my own feeling of being pathetic and deny it by seeing others as being pathetic.

Projection is a defence mechanism for cluster-B’s and happens at a more intense and pathological level. They usually refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and then shift their own negative behaviour onto other people, especially the people closest to them. For example: they may drink too much but will constantly accuse you of being the one who drinks too much. They may even accuse you of lying or being crazy, diverting your attention from what they are actually doing.

They will very often, accuse other people of cluster-B disorders. They will do intense research on Google to prove that the people they are in conflict with, actually have a cluster-B disorder, but have no insights into their own disorder.

•   blame shifting

Adding on to our previous point, the so-called blame shifting is almost just an extension of projection. If you try to have a conversation about your partner’s behaviour or actions, you realise that the blame gets shifted back to you all the time. Before long, you start to defend yourself, and your partner gets away without addressing their behaviour, and the challenge never gets solved. Abusers tend to blame everyone and everything for what went wrong, in order to refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, causing the abused to feel guilty and not good enough.  A typical example of this is: I do not drink too much, it is you who drink too much, or I drink so much because you pour me wine all the time. I act like this because you pay too little attention to me.

•   denial and misunderstanding

Your perception and opinions of anything are considered inferior to the abuser. You are neglected as a human being and denied your opinion. Your feelings are also denied, and this may cause a huge loss of self-confidence. Denial can also imply that the abuser, being confronted with their actions, will deny that they ever said or done whatever they have said or done. They even deny your feelings about it. For example: I never said that. It is all your imagination. You know for a fact that they have said or done it.  However, you can’t help to start to doubt yourself, no matter the facts or the evidence, they will still deny, misunderstand and project it all. Despite your certainty of the facts, you will still begin to doubt yourself and even start to question your own perception of the events. 

•   withholding

Withholding is yet another form of denial. It is also a form of passive aggression. Withholding involves the refusal to listen to you, to communicate with you, even emotional or physical withdrawal, better known as the so-called silent treatment.

•   conversational change

Conversational change adds up to the previous point. You are getting a feeling that the conversation constantly ships away from the original point you wanted to raise.  Conversations, in an attempt to solve your challenge, go absolutely nowhere.  Your arguments may be dismissed as wrong, meaningless, or silly. They confuse and frustrate you, since the conversation keeps on straying from the real issue you would like to address. They twist the conversation so that you appear to be the culprit and before long you are on the defence again and you suddenly feel like the wrong and guilty one again and you have no idea how it happened and how you ended up in this position over and over again. They are throwing everything they have into the pot to get them off the hook. Other elements may begin to enter the conversation – whether it’s your childhood, friends, career, something you did years ago, or choices you made in life. The ball is always being put into your court.  You have to play the ball now, and the attention of their actions gets shifted to you and your issues.  You start to lose the point, and you may even become confused about what the initial argument was about.

•   attack your interests

You might even be degraded by everything and everyone important to you. Your job, your family, your interests, hobbies, or your ambitions, are being degraded.  By now they know exactly where your weaknesses lie. They know what hurts you and they will keep aiming and hitting your Achilles heel.  Almost like a boxer who keeps on hitting his opponent’s already bleeding eye. They know what is important to you and will try to hurt you right there. There, where it hurts the most. Their awareness that the greatest pain to a woman is inflicted by harming her children is all too evident to them. The abuser will take advantage of this, even if it is their own children. They just do not care to what extend they are hurting their own children since the only important thing for them is themselves and their feelings.

• minimisation

Minimisation is a less extreme form of denial, but it is still a disregard of your thoughts and feelings, hence emotional abuse. When you try to explain to them how you feel about something they have said or done, or the impact it had on you, or the consequences thereof, you might hear from them: 

• you are too sensitive;
• you are exaggerating now;
• you take my words out of context;
• you just don’t get it;
• I am using no filters.

 Your feelings are dismissed as less important, even trivial.

Even your self-esteem is minimised or broken down in the process. You are being told that your feelings are unimportant or silly. There might even be abuse behind a so-called innocent joke. Many a truth is said in jest.

You may begin to get an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough, that you are no longer needed. You simply feel useless and used. After the breakup, you are simply being put aside and replaced with someone else, as if you are just a cheap trade-in. It is natural to start to wonder if the new partner could fix them where you have failed. You simply do not feel rejected or not good enough. You just feel being spat out, despite evidence of their ex’s rehearsing the same story, repeatedly, over and over again.

The reconciliation phase

During this phase, the abuser will apologise and promise to change. It may feel like you’re back in the Fishing phase, where everything is great again. You fall hopelessly in love again. However, it lasts only for a short while.

Although this phase may also be characterized by the fact that they may blame you for everything, or say it wasn’t that bad. If you change, things can be as it was during the great beginning.

The Calm Phase

Things are not going well, but not bad either during this phase. You may get an uncomfortable feeling of silence before the storm. However, you are just too grateful that things are not as bad as they used to be.

The spitting out phase

You may become aware of a sudden feeling of no longer good enough. You feel useless. The person you thought you could share your life with, just left you or replaced you with someone else and you wonder what this new person is doing right that you couldn’t do, be, or manage. You simply don’t feel good enough, or rejected. You feel washed out and being spat out. You just were not good enough.

Why did these things happen to you?

Why did it happen to you? How stupid could you be? What weak points did they spot in you? Why did you fall for it, and other people didn’t?

• First of all, these people can convince anyone with their charm and charisma. That is why I often say: you were the wrong person, at the wrong time in the wrong place. Anyone can be a victim. Keep in mind that these people have a lifetime of experience and practice with emotional abuse.
• However, the so-called empathsmay be the biggest victims. An empath is someone who can feel the emotions of other people strongly. They are usually caring people who care deeply about others. They are mostly achievers in life, like doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers, social workers, ministers, and so on. Ask our friend, Garth, how to do it!
• The empath is also someone who does not give up and the harder the empath tries to fix things, the less successful they are in this regard. It leaves them with a feeling of not being good enough, helplessness, and a feeling of inferiority. Empaths believe they can save these people, and in these cases, they simply are not able to.
• On the other hand, empaths may be wounded people themselves. They know and understand the hurt in life just too well. Their caring, understanding, and empathy leave them vulnerable to the actions of the abuser. The irony is that most of the time these empaths are successful, talented, and physically attractive people.
• However, the abuser sees the victimas a threat to their own ego. At all cost, they must be in charge at all times and because of their deep-rooted self-esteem problems, they will do anything to keep the victim part of their life. They might even go as far as to cut the victim from all support, such as family, friends, finances, and even their own self-confidence. Keep in mind that the empath is not the one who is weak, it is, in fact, the empath’s inner strength that led them into this situation. The fact that the abuser chose you, as the empath, might even be a huge compliment!

In summary, one or more of the following could be a reason why you would find yourself in this position:

• you were the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time when you met this person. Anyone can fall for their charm;
• you are highly regarded, attractive, or successful which is an attraction for these people; or
• you are merely an empath.

What is really happening to you

Emotional abuse can cause long-term psychological challenges. Emotional abuse finds its way during relationships of a specific form of love or more, or in other relationships, such as work relationships, or even relationships with friends and between parents and children.

During or after a relationship with a cluster-B, you may experience one or more of the following consequences:

• anxiety

Having been in or through any sort of relationship of any kind with someone, you might become aware of chronic stress and trauma. Stress and trauma might be the cause of many psychological disorders, of which anxiety is the best known.

Anxiety is described as the result of so-called irrational thinking. I call anxiety the what if? syndrome. Please see my article on general anxiety on my website. Anxiety is a message from your conscious mind, or your neocortex, known as your thinking brain. These messages usually involve the negative things you say to yourself about yourself. These specific thoughts now go to your limbic system, also known as your primitive or reptile brain. The brain’s interpretation of these thoughts as reality triggers the release of adrenaline, prompting the fight-or-flight or freeze response to what are essentially irrational thoughts.

• self-confidence challenges

Hearing repetitively how stupid and useless you are, may cause these messages to go directly to your reptile brain which is solely focused on survival. You can expect your reptile brain to produce adrenaline, which then causes anxiety.

This emotional form of abuse is a different form of abuse and even worse than physical abuse. There aren’t any physical wounds visible, and as stated, the damage is rather emotional. You are being left with feelings of inadequacy, stupidity, and worthlessness. However, this abuse does not happen all the time, and the fact that the abuser may become their old self again from time to time may confuse the victim.

You are being criticized from your appearance to your attire to your friends and family;

• unnecessary guilt

You know by now that you might most probably be an empath who wants to solve everyone’s problems, issues, and challenges. Empaths even experience feelings of guilt as if they didn’t succeed.

The abused gets accused of everything going wrong in the relationship, and it adds to their feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and self-blame. The abused later believe it is their fault, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. It’s the result of conditioning, like the professor’s experiment I told you about earlier;

• depression

The father of psychology, Sigmund Freud, once said: depression is anger without enthusiasm. You may feel angry about what is happening, or what has happened in the past, but you are however, disempowered as you can do nothing about it, as explained. You can also read more about depression here.

When angry, people want to hurt others. If hurt is impossible, feelings of powerlessness or helplessness may enter the picture. When unable to hurt anyone for any reason, you might redirect those feelings inward, manifesting in various forms of self-harm, whether it be self-injury, emotional or physical to self-harm, hurt, or in its most extreme variation – suicide;

• PTSD or C-PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is also called bomb shock, combat exhaustion, accidental neurosis, or post-rape syndrome.

Post-traumatic stress causes discomfort and interference in many aspects of your daily life. This usually happens after a traumatic event. Such a person is often tormented by constant and frightening memories of a traumatic event. You can read more about post-traumatic stress disorder here.

C-PTSD or Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (Complex PTSD) is a syndrome that is not currently recognised in the DSM 5. People with C-PTSV were not necessarily exposed to acute trauma where their life or physical integrity was attained.  Yet these people show the same symptoms as people with PTSD after being exposed to emotional trauma.

The simple truth is that trauma is what you experience to be traumatic, whether it is traumatic for others or not;

• you may start to abuse substances

The abused are increasingly using alcohol or drugs such as medication to numb their tension and trauma. They may even develop addictions to these drugs.  Even addictions where there are no chemical drugs involved, such as gambling and shopping addiction have been reported.

• other symptoms that victims may experience

People who have been exposed to emotional trauma may also experience symptoms such as chronic pain, migraines, eating disorders, and digestive problems. These conditions are physiological and psychological symptoms of stress;

• feelings of revenge

You may feel like taking revenge and it may pay off, just in the short term. You might want to tell everyone who and what the abusers really are… that is to say, if the flying monkeys would ever believe you. You may even feel compelled to share the news with their new lover, or even warn everybody of the abuser’s affairs. You might want to ruin them. You just want to get rid of all your anger, hurt, and pain.

You are also only human and somewhere you are going to give in to something. You can endure just so much abuse before giving in.

• Reactive abuse

Jo* was involved with such an emotionally abusive person for over two years. During the relationship, he always tried to solve matters, find answers, and find solutions to their problems in a constructive way. None of his efforts were ever successful. He became aware of three things:

–    if he abuses her back (reactive abuse), the abuse stops;

–    it made him feel empowered by taking revenge on her with reactive abuse;

–    he could thus get rid of his own frustration.

Needless to say, the marriage did not work.

The abuser will often shift the blame to the victim. The abuser will often pretend that the victim is actually the abuser as a result of the abuser’s reaction. What the victim experiences is the so-called reactive abuse.

Susan got drunk again one night and started abusing Mike. Mike asked her to stop and requested to discuss the issue the next morning. Susan simply continued to abuse and provoke him. Mike could feel the anger building up inside him, gnashing his teeth just to keep quiet. After about an hour of abuse and assaults, he could not keep it in any longer and reacted with reactive abuse and managed to silence her horrible words, with his horrible words which were so distant from his character. She then started to record his reaction on her phone and sent it to her friends. Only the reactive abuse of the abuser was recorded.  It was clear that the abused was actually the abuser. Her initiation and retaliation were obviously not included in the recording.

The abused may as a response, start shouting, going crazy, reacting excessively, or even insulting the abuser. The abuser will, however, let the abused know that they are actually the abuser, and they will make sure that all the flying monkeys will know about it. The abuser will use the reaction of the abused as proof that the abused is unstable and mentally disabled.

They masterfully cause the abused to believe it is all their fault. The abused or empath takes on all the fault and persists in believing that they are at fault, even when it doesn’t make any logical sense.

• fear: what if it happens again?

So many people are afraid to enter into a new relationship after a relationship with a cluster-B for the sheer fear of ending up in a similar relationship. Ten years after Christine and Nicholas’ divorce, Christine is still reluctant, hesitant to enter into a new relationship, simply out of fear of again being trapped in a cluster-B relationship.  It is however also true that many people who were involved with a cluster-B, are much more likely to end up with a cluster-B over and over again. It is very difficult to allay your fears here and I hope that the following may help:

• statistics show us that cluster-B’s may represent approximately only 1 to 7% of the population, depending on what research you are looking at. Therefore, the chances that you will not get involved with such a person again are statistically between 93 and 99%. The unfortunate reality is that the abuser may spot the empath (even in a crowd of people), and the empath also may tend to attract abusers to them due to their own need to rescue;
• the golden rule here, however, is that when something feels too good to be true – it is probably too good to be true;
• you have gained experience with these types of people and you have noticed how they operate. The chances that you will be caught again are slim since you know what to look out for;
• they may talk about other people as absolutely perfect or absolutely all bad, with nothing in between;
• you keep on getting the feeling that you are not good enough;
• you feel manipulated.

Considering therapy could be beneficial to address the empathic traits and any past trauma contributing to the development of these characteristics, leading to your vulnerability to emotional abuse.

Who are they really?

You are standing in front of a building. From the outside, this building appears like a castle. The most beautiful, the strongest, and perfect castle you could ever see.  You feel overwhelmed by this building’s splendour. However, when you walk through the front door… you are walking into a squatter hut, a shack. The idea of a palace was just an illusion to lure you closer.

The abuser, ironically, is struggling with their own hurt, issues, and insecurities.

Shared characteristics of the different types of abusers

• the abuser is jealous, possessive and cross-question their partners on a regular basis;
• the abuser controls their partner’s entire life: who they can be friends with and who not, what they may or may not wear, what they may or may not do, and even their finances;
• the abuser may make friends with people like policemen, lawyers, influential people, and even the abused person’s own family to turn their back on the abused, whenever they may find it necessary;
• the abuser often invades the privacy of the victim by unlawfully entering their residence or gaining unauthorised access to their social media accounts, such as Facebook, Instagram, X, or e-mail, in order to get access to their private messages;
• the abuser most likely grew up in an emotionally abusive or traumatic environment. Abused children show more hostile and aggressive behaviour than adults, but are ironically also highly dependent on the people they abuse;
• they have negative opinions about themselves and their abilities (but will never ever admit it);
• they generally have a negative perception of the world around them;
• the abuser is most likely to struggle with their own depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and anger;
• they learn that abuse is a way of dealing with their own feelings of jealousy, mood swings, low self-esteem, powerlessness, fear, hurt, needs, and anger;
• the abuser is consequently attracted to those who see themselves as helpless, and who do not value their own feelings, perceptions, views, or esteem. The typical Empath.

Comparing the different types of abusers

People with anti-social personality disorder may be the exception to the rule since they have no empathy, guilt, or self-awareness.

On the other hand, people who have narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are so scared, even though they appear to be the exact opposite; they will, however, do anything to avoid their fears. Their greatest fear is that they will be rejected or abandoned. They see the world as one everlasting threat and will spend all their time and energy to ward off these so-called threats.

Contrary to the mythology that Narcissus fell in love with himself when he saw his own reflection in the water, he fell in love with himself and drowned. The truth however is rather the following: 

• they are trapped in their own developmental issues. One may find trauma in their history through which they have not dealt;
• they feel and know deep within themselves that they are dysfunctional, and they are so afraid that other people will discover it. It is precisely for this very reason that they use so much energy into trying to prove themselves as the perfect match;
• they are trying so hard to be perfect to become the influentialand successful people they are created to be. People often see them as wonderful and successful, but it is hard work to keep up with the expectations. Their public behaviour is often impeccable. It is no wonder that they can charm new life partners and submit them under a false impression;
• however, their personal life is a horse of a different colour. They constantly live in fear that you will see through them and will be a threat to their image. The idea of being imperfect is immensely frightening to them, which is why they respond with emotional abuse, even if the threat is only in their imagination;
• this fear can often explode (erupt) and manifest itself in a fit of rage. Attack is after all the best form of defence;
• cluster-B’s do not love themselves at all. They actually despise themselves. Both people with narcissist and borderline personality disorders have an intense fear of so-called abandonment. Their greatest fear is that they will be rejected if unmasked;
• in an attempt to conquer their own fears, cluster-B’s may resort to manipulative behaviours to gain control over others or undermine them by discrediting their abilities;

You might get the feeling that I am demonising cluster-B’s suffering from personality disorders. I can’t emphasise enough the fact that they are still real people with real feelings. I understand that it is very difficult to live with them, but we must also keep in mind that it is even more difficult for them to live with themselves. They also have their own feelings of guilt, self-reproach, and shame about the consequences and impact of their actions.  However, they suppress this guilt by resorting to the so-called psychological defence mechanisms. Read more about Psychological defence mechanisms here. These feelings are so deeply repressed that they never penetrate the conscious.

They are not necessarily monsters who just throw temper tantrums and manipulate others whenever they feel like it, and then just walk away from it all as if nothing happened. They also experience guilt, self-blame, and shame about their actions intensely, more than we can ever imagine. They are not necessarily able to control their actions. Sometimes their conciliatory actions may not only be manipulation to win you back, as their love bombing may also be the result of their own self-blame and it is their way of trying to compensate for what they know they have done wrong, but never admitting it at all. As a result, they may find it impossible to offer an apology. 

Please keep in mind their actions are the result of their own trauma. It may be healing for the victim to realise the reason that the abuser’s behaviour is the result of their own feelings of trauma and loneliness.

They are forever trying so hard to be normal but get angry with themselves if they do not succeed and they sometimes may threaten with suicide. The incidence of suicide among people having borderline personality disorder is unfortunately higher than average. They are also painfully aware of how difficult it is for other people to live with them. They sometimes despise themselves for what they do to other people but do not know how to change or stop it.

Should you leave or should you stay?

This is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make.  The decision of whether to walk away and find peace or stay and make it work is yours to make.

Walking away may sound like the easiest way out as you know things might not change at all. You might, however, love this person too much to turn your back on them and might choose to stay. This choice is a difficult route, but it is possible. However, you will need to grow hair on your teeth.

It might also happen, that when you eventually decide to end the relationship, they may try to make it as difficult as possible in direct as well as more subtle ways. Keep in mind that they can’t handle so-called rejection.

The abuser may:

• act as if it is not affecting them at all, as if it never happened, as if the abuse never existed. The DSM 5 explains this as severe dissociation. Their reaction to severe dissociation may cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities. Like with a typical empath, you do not really want to move away, as you know you should, even if you know that it is the better option;
• the old charm may return from time to time. Suddenly, you are feeling hoovered again. I’m sure you remember the Hoover vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleanerwas advertised to be the ultimate sucker, sucking even you, and your convincing display of kindness, affection, and acceptance into its emptiness. Sometimes love bombardment is also taking place and you may feel special again like in the very beginning, but it stays empty, and you just keep on being nothing more than a sucker. This really sucks;
• they may cry and beg you to take them back and convince you they have now gained insight and changed. Few men have changed, really changed. However, the vast majority of men are just using the idea of change as a way to gaslight you even more. Even more so with abusers.
• further brutally abuse you, causing you to doubt yourself even more;
• they may become obsessive and stalk you wherever you go, whatever you do;
• they may even want revenge. Revenge may take on many forms. They may take revenge on you financially by trying to take you to the cleaners. They may even try to take your children away from you, or to defame you. They do not care what harm they do to other people, even their own children, if they can only take revenge on you.

What you can do should you decide to break up or divorce

• avoid contact at all costs;
• if any contact should be necessary, such as arrangements regarding the children, keep it short and stick to the facts. The abuser is going to look for arguments and drama. Avoid it at all costs;
• if it does happen that you are dragged into a conversation, become as boring as a grey rock. What did you do today? Oh, I watched a soapy; I fixed a sock and watched a pumpkin flower growing.
• Grey rock

You might be aware that cluster-B personality disorders always seek and need drama. They are desiring your response and if negative, so much better. They have an old rage in them that needs to be expressed. They will provoke you to react, even if they must go out of their way to get your reaction. However, when you do respond you will certainly lose the argument, as you always have lost it and got gaslighted.

However, if you are an empath who wants to prove yourself and that is why you can so easily get dragged into their games with an argument that you cannot win. You are not going to ever get these people to alternative insights. Therefore, the Grey Rock method is recommended:

A young boy is walking alongside a river collecting pebbles and rocks. All the shiny, coloured, and interesting rocks catch his attention which he then picks up. But those boring, dull, oval-shaped grey rocks do not attract his attention at all.

It is a good idea to behave in a neutral, boring, and uninvolved manner, like a plain, uninteresting, even boring grey rock, rather than becoming entangled in the abuser’s quest for drama and excitement.  This will help you to refrain from engaging and getting involved in a lose-lose situation.

What you can do should you decide to stay

I also understand that you keep on hoping to get back into this relationship, to relive the wonderful times you had together.

You never wanted to be in such a relationship. You did not ask for this. Anyone could get involved in a relationship with such a person and you have. These people are initially just too incredible, just too wonderful, just too amazing. It felt like it was too good to be true. You later discovered that it was indeed too good to be true. First, acknowledge your feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Tell yourself that this is how you are feeling right now. However, also keep the following in mind:

• you may have fallen in love with an illusion, and not reality:

This person might have created a world that you have totally fallen in love with, but which is not reality. You may have a constant yearning to return to your fantasy world that simply does not exist.

You may recall the statement of the ex I have told you about:  I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

• Realise that it is not your fault

The abuser wants you to believe or think it’s all your fault. Nothing can ever always be your fault, and your fault only. It takes two to tango. You may even not be at fault at all, but the abuser will make you believe that this was indeed all your fault.

• You have no need to defend yourself

Defending yourself will only create more ammunition for the abuser for more attacks on you, resulting in you feeling even more powerless and doubting yourself even more. You will lose arguments with these people every time.  There is just no win-win situation. The abuser will cleverly manipulate every argument, causing you to start to question yourself and eventually submit, even when it defies logic.  This can lead to further self-doubt and a loss of hope.

• Responding instead of reacting

If possible, it is important to always stay calm. You already know that the abuser does not want to understand you nor treat you with respect, and is not interested in your point of view, thoughts, or feelings. This is, however, not your problem, but theirs. You will only upset yourself when you react, and this is exactly what the abuser wants. They want you to get angry and lose it, and when this happens, you lose sense of reality.  Your thinking brain is getting disabled, and this is exactly what the abuser wants.

Staying calm and logical might even help you understand them better. By staying calm, you can get insight into their mindset, allowing you to remain composed and rational.

• Feelings are not facts

You may experience several upsetting feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It is so important to realise that feelings are not facts.  Even if it causes you to feel emotional or angry, it might just be nothing else but just feelings. It might also be helpful to consider the possibility that you are in a relationship with someone who may be struggling with a personality disorder. What they put on the table might be their own problematic feelings and thoughts that they project onto you.

• Be mindful of your responsibility during conflict

It may be so easy to place the blame on the abuser as the one with the issue or the problem. However, also keep in mind that you may be an empath with your own issues, and you may just perhaps be overreacting.  Keep on being aware of your own possible irrational feelings of fear, responsibility, and guilt.

These feelings have no healthy outcome. Someone once said that feelings of guilt are the most useless emotion one can ever experience. It just does not solve any problem and can’t turn back time or change the past. It is rather just a waste of time and energy.

• Being assertive:

Assertiveness means asking firmly, yet in a kind, uncomfortable way for what you want and saying no to what you do not want.

Three aspects to keep in mind:

• ensure that you mean what you say;
• make sure you do not just say things out of anger;
• be prepared for a possible fallout;

To be assertive means that you will have to be able to set your boundaries and keep to them. You would like to respond to the process of what is happening between the two of you, and not to the content of this process. Rather than reacting to what is being said between the two of you. You can respond with something like:

–  I’ll talk to you when you do not yell at me;

–  I’ll talk to you when we calmed down;

–  I’m not going to argue with you when you’re angry;

–  I’m not going to give you all my money.

• Stay calm:

It is so important to keep in the back of your mind that these people you are dealing with are always looking for drama and would love drama and can’t wait to get you involved in their game. By staying calm, you have already taken the first step to being in control. Getting angry means giving control over to them.

• Withdraw yourself from the situation from time to time:

You may just physically give way from time to time.  It is perhaps a good idea to walk around the block, go to a restaurant and have a beer, or even visit a friend.

• Look after yourself:

You may discover that you are neglecting yourself. You may have started to drink too much, or not taken care of yourself.  Perhaps you should start taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You might even want to exercise more, go to a place of prayer, take care of your diet, or even start a new hobby.

• Realise that you can’t fix them:

You might realise by now that you may be a so-called empath. Empaths are trying so hard to change these people close to them for the better, without success. Empaths normally persist and strive with increasing determination, exerting tremendous effort without ever experiencing the feeling of accomplishment. The feeling of failing will cause them to feel like a failure, and they will try even harder and get hurt all over again. Since Empaths are fixers, they stay in a relationship with the abuser much longer than they ever should.

The empath may feel like a failure during the process and wonder what is wrong with them.  To add insult to injury, they have failed. After the breakup or divorce, the abuser usually enters a new relationship very quickly and they make sure that the empath knows they have met someone else. Someone who understands them and who meets all their needs.  It might cause you to feel even more worthless.

This can even just motivate you, as an empath, to investigate and work through your own trauma from your past.

Quite recently a modality of therapy has been developed for borderline personality disorder, the so-called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). DBT is currently focusing on borderline personality disorder (BPD) as a form of treatment for them.

DBT entails that such a person must attend a therapy session once a week, without exception for ten years. With great excitement, psychologists discovered that they achieved a ten percent success rate after ten years of therapy each week.  You cannot change them

It is not my intention to try to convince anyone that the abuser can’t change. In my experience, there were only a few abusers who really changed and persevered with their change. However, there are abusers who keep on returning to their old ways. A Damascus experience is rare, and it takes time to work through their issues. There is no quick fix. If the abuser really loves you as much as they say they do, they will wait for you until you are ready to continue this relationship.

If the abuser is really concerned about you or your feelings, they will accept and respect your decision to stay or to go. They normally do not accept your feelings and decisions, as it is more an obsession than love and then you’re just back to their own feelings and the denial of your feelings.

• Learn to value yourself

Gradually, you may come to a deeper understanding that you are perfectly created as a human being, equipped with all the necessary attributes to be successful in your own unique task in life.

There is essentially nothing wrong with you. You have certain rights as a human being, and no one deserves to be emotionally abused.

• You may gain insight about the abuser’s own emotional issues

You may come to realise that the person you are dealing with is likely struggling with their own intense feelings of rejection or deep-seated inferiority. By exerting control over you and ensuring you remain under their influence, the abuser seeks to suppress their own negative emotions. Their relentless pursuit of control stems from their own fear, as it provides them with a sense of power and control.

• Be aware of projection

You may now understand that the abuser is actually projecting their issues onto you. Projection means that the person is accusing you of weaknesses they see in themselves, but don’t want to consciously admit it, and rather see their own issues in you.

• See a psychologist to help you with the impact of emotional abuse

A psychologist or therapist can also help you to learn healthier ways to deal with these abusers, as well as to look more closely at your own needs and to help you realise that there is nothing wrong with you.

• You can also take a legal path

Abuse in legal circles is regarded as criminal harassment. Talk to your lawyer about it.

Always remember – you are not alone.

There are many like you and help is available from your psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, legal adviser or even the police.

You no longer have to allow these people to ruin your life because of their own issues. This is not your problem, not your circus, not your monkeys.

* Not their real names