Asserting yourself

Introduction

Frequently, individuals struggle not only to assertively express their desires but also to decline unwanted or unnecessary requests.

I hope the following will help you to achieve just that: to gain the ability to stand up for yourself, even when it’s difficult.

This is called assertiveness. Assertiveness is an attitude, a way to behave in a situation where you may need to:

express your feelings
ask for what you want, and
say no to something you don’t want

in a friendly, yet firm way.

To be assertive, you may need to improve your self-esteem. You also may need to work on your anxiety levels or even depression. If this is the case, it may be useful to consult with a psychologist.

Alternative behaviour styles

Assertiveness is a way of acting that strikes a balance between two extremes: aggressiveness and submissiveness.

Schematically, it may look like this:

Schematical illustration of assertiveness

Looking at this scheme you will see that there are three levels of behaviour.

Submissive behaviour

At the bottom you will find the so-called submissive behaviour. This behaviour involves submitting to the preferences of others while shifting your own rights and needs into the background. You don’t say what you feel and don’t inform others about what you want. Sometimes you don’t even know what your feelings or needs are regarding the situation.

Aggressive behaviour

At the top you will find aggressive behaviour. Aggressive behaviour involves communicating in a way that is insistent, bombastic, and even hostile toward others. You insist on what you want and don’t accept no for an answer. This behaviour is often confused with assertive behaviour.

Assertive behaviour

Assertive behaviour is situated somewhere in the middle of the named three levels. Assertive behaviour entails straightforwardly asking for what you want or saying no without negative, attacking, or manipulating others, while honestly expressing your feelings and needs with respect and consideration for others. You stand up for yourself and your rights without apologising or feeling guilty. In essence, assertiveness involves taking responsibility for your own needs, yet in a way that preserves the dignity of other people. Others feel comfortable when you are assertive because they know where they are standing with you. They respect you for your honesty and forthrightness.

I will elaborate on this later in this article.

People generally feel comfortable with you when you are assertive as they then know where they stand with you and what you expect from them and vice versa. They respect your honesty and the fact that you are forthright, yet kind.

People, especially those with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (please see my article on Generalised Anxiety Disorder on this website) tend to exhibit submissive behaviour.

They don’t ask for what they want, nor do they say no to what they don’t want, out of fear that people will get angry with them, reject them, or that they will hurt other people’s feelings, causing them to feel rejected.

This behavior however, causes frustration building up. They remain silent and keep on suppressing their frustration until a time they explode and then overreact to something that may not seem to be worth the exaggerated response. I call this the pressure cooker effect. You may react with intense anger. People may tell you that you have overreacted to something that really wasn’t such a big issue. Your response however, was the proverbial last straw that broke the camel’s back.

As with a pressure cooker, all the steam you built up literally exploded. You feel guilty about your reaction and then fall back to the Submissive behavior where the whole process starts all over again.

Becoming more assertive

I was raised to be nice. This was fine, I guess, except that being nice meant never saying what I wanted, never saying no, and never having an opinion different from anyone else. I thought the only way to be assertive was to yell and get red in the face. It took a while to learn that I could be honest, and still be considered nice.

Assertiveness means more than just being able to voice your complaints. It is a set of communication skills that allow you to express respect and care for yourself and others. It means being able to say what you want to say when it is time to say it and feeling comfortable in doing so. Whether you want to express affection or annoyance, assertiveness skills can be very useful.

What does it mean to be assertive? The table below, adapted from work by Dr. Lynn Alden (Paterson, McLean, Alden and Koch 1996), compares assertiveness with submissiveness and aggressiveness. As you read over each row, place a checkmark in the box that describes you best. When you are done, see which column has the most checkmarks.

Key points about assertiveness

Assertiveness is the art of portraying yourself and is not part of your core personality. Some people feel that they can’t be assertive because they don’t have the personality for it. However, assertiveness is a skill and not a personality trait, and as with any newly acquired skill, it can feel awkward at first. It gradually becomes more comfortable as you start to master it. Just as it takes time to learn to ride a bicycle, it may take a little time getting used to being assertive. Here are some examples of how you can teach yourself to behave more assertively:

Start easy

Perhaps there is one person in your life who is especially difficult to be assertive with and if so, don’t start with them. Start with people you experience less threatening. As you become more confident, you can take on more and more difficult situations. Save the more challenging person for last.

It’s not necessary to be assertive all the time. Some situations call for less assertiveness than others. You might accept a cup of tea from Aunt May even after you have said you don’t want one. When you are alone with someone you know can become violent, it may not be safe for you to be assertive. However, when you are safe and when the issue is important to you, assertiveness generally leads to better results than the alternatives.

Ask for time

Some people just need some time to think things through. If you find yourself in a discussion wanting to assert yourself but unsure of what to say, it’s okay to ask for some time to gather your thoughts. Use phrases like: I can’t answer that right now, or I’ll let you know next Tuesday. This will give you the time you need to think the situation through. As assertiveness becomes a habit, you will learn to respond faster.

You have basic rights

Before you can become assertive, you will need to keep a few things in mind.

As human beings, we all have basic rights. Developing assertiveness involves recognising that you, along with everyone else, have a right to everything listed under the personal bill of rights.

Being assertive

In order to be assertive and to ask what you do want and to say no to what you don’t want; you need to get to the point where you can confidently state what you do and don’t want. You may want to follow the following steps:

Evaluate your rights within the situation at hand

Refer back to your Personal Bill of Rights; what are your rights in a specific situation?

Before being assertive, ask yourself the following three questions:

– what is the worst thing that can happen?

– if it does happen, realistically, how bad is it anyway?

– what are the chances for it to happen (since most things we worry about, never happen anyway?

The three key-steps of assertiveness

Designate a time and place for discussing what you want

Find a mutually convenient time to discuss the challenge you are having with your partner or any other person involved. When discussing any issue, always:

Keep your tone of voice:

– softer

– slower

– lower

Since two-thirds of our communication takes place on a non-verbal level, it is of extreme importance how you say things. When you scream and shout, you will only evoke the same behaviour in the other person. Screaming matches never resolves anything. It only triggers both parties’ fight-or-flight responses. Adrenaline levels increase which evokes feelings of fighting or running away and all rationality is lost in the process. When both of you communicate in a relaxed way, you will understand each other better and get a solution much easier.

Take time out, if necessary

When any of you start to feel angry, it is a much better idea to take time out and discharge your feelings. You may go outside and shout to get rid of your emotions and frustrations, or you may take your pillow and imagine it is the other person’s face and beat them up. It is important to discharge your frustrations before you re-engage in conversation again.

Any time-out can last from five minutes to 24 hours and must be respected by both partners:

Express your feelings about the particular situation

By expressing your feelings to the other party, you assist them in understanding the impact of their behaviour on you and your responses.

When expressing feelings, always be sure to own your reactions rather than blaming them on someone else. Nobody is responsible for your feelings, as you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.

It is therefore important to begin your statements about your feelings with I rather than You. I-statements show that you acknowledge and take responsibility for your own emotions, while You-statements portray a judgmental and accusatory attitude that will put the other person on the defensive and obstruct communication.

For example: start a sentence with: I feel this or that instead of saying: You make me feel this or that.

Suggest your solution for the conflict

The solution is indeed the reason for assertiveness. You simply ask for what you want (or don’t want) in a direct, straightforward manner.

use assertive non-verbal behaviour

– look directly at a person when addressing them

– keep an open body posture

– keep personal space in mind – don’t back off or move too close to the other person.

keep your request simple

– stay calm. When you feel angry or excited, take time out and discharge your emotions somewhere else before you engage in the conversation again;

– avoid asking for more than one thing at a time. This may create confusion, anger, and irritation in the other person involved;

– be specific – ask for exactly what you want;

use I-statements such as:

– I would like…

– I want to…

– I would appreciate it if…

object to behaviour, not to personalities

Let them understand that you have an issue with something they are doing, or not doing, and not with who they are as a person.

never apologise for your request

As you have seen in your personal bill of rights, you have a right to your request.

make requests, not demands or commands

Ask for what you want or don’t want, in a friendly yet firm manner. When you insist on your needs, you’re going to get an unwanted response.

Tell the person the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) their co-operation.

With close friends or intimate partners, stating positive consequences of their compliance with your request can be an honest offer of give-and-take rather than manipulation.

Learning to say no

An important aspect of being assertive is your ability to say no to requests that you don’t want to or can’t meet. Saying no means that you set limits on other people’s demands for your time and energy when such demands conflict with your own needs and desires. It also means that you can do this without feeling guilty.

In some cases, especially if you’re dealing with someone with whom you don’t want to promote a relationship, just saying: no, thank you, or no, I’m not interested in a firm, polite manner should suffice. If the other person persists, just repeat your statement calmly without apologising. You may have to use the broken record technique. Remember the days of records? What happened when a record got stuck… got stuck… got stuck… got stuck? You just keep on repeating your declination: No, I’m not interested over and over again in the same words and the same tone of voice… like a broken record. People will stop on average after the 3.2 attempts. And remember, you don’t have to give any explanation, let your no be your no. If you need to make your statement stronger and more empathic, you may want to:

look the person directly in the eyes;
raise the level of your voice slightly; and
assert your position: I said – no thank you.

In many other instances – with acquaintances, friends, and family – you may want to offer some explanation for turning down their request. Here it’s often useful to follow a three-step procedure:

acknowledge the other person’s request by repeating it;
explain your reason for declining;
say no.

(Optional). If appropriate, suggest an alternative proposal where both your and the other person’s needs will be met. Only proceed with this step if you can identify a mutually agreeable compromise between yourself and the other person

A metaphor: what the snake can teach you about being too nice

The snake in our story was vicious, snarling, and dangerous. He terrified the villagers, biting the children and scaring all the adults. But sometimes he felt lonely and craved companionship.

One day, a wise man wandered into the village. He saw the chaos the snake’s actions had brought. After gaining the outcast snake’s trust, he could speak to the snake and said to him: Listen Snake, you not only make the people in the village unhappy, but you are clearly miserable yourself.

After this, the wise man went on his way.

Years later, the wise man happened to pass through the same village again. To his surprise, he saw an inert, passive plaything being kicked by the children. He realised that this was, in fact, none other than the formally aggressive serpent he had words with years before. The snake managed to free himself from his tormentors and slide up to the man.

Your advice was disastrous! he hissed faintly. Practicing gentleness has brought me complete misery! Now I’m used as a toy, laughed at, and taken for granted. I was better off before!

The old man replied: you took my advice too literally and without reflection. I said that you shouldn’t bite… but I didn’t say you should never hiss!

Measure yourself: How assertive are you?

Measuring rubric:

Score yourself on each statement from 0-5:

0 = never, or not at all like me

1 = rarely, or not much like me

2 = occasionally, or a little like me

3 = sometimes it’s like me

4 = often, or quite like me

5 = always, or exactly like me

Record your score in the colored box for each statement:

The higher your score, the more likely you are to tend to exhibit that behaviour

Column A = Passive

Column B = Aggressive

Column C = Assertive

Column D = Indirect (passive/aggressive)

Understanding your scores

You can now interpret your scores using the following information:

The highest of your four totals may indicate what your predominant behaviour is.
The lowest of all your totals may indicate what your least preferred pattern of behaviour is.
If all your totals are low, this may indicate an overall level of passivity, showing a lack of self-assurance and doubt in your ability when answering the questions.
If assertive and passive totals are close, this may indicate a strengthening of your assertive approach. It indicates that you are asserting yourself more often, although a predominant passive insecurity influences a retreat to a people-pleasing position.
If passive and aggressive totals are close, this may indicate low self-esteem and insecurity, which underlies both behaviours. You may, for example, bottle up emotions and then explode with frustration when you can take no more. You then feel guilty about your outburst and return to a passive standpoint.
If assertive and aggressive totals are close, this may indicate an imbalance of your self-expression and a dominant feeling of frustration. As you experiment with your assertion, you may still find yourself shouting or finger-pointing when you struggle to get your views across. This will rebalance the more you practice.

How you can use these results to your advantage?

The questionnaire helps you build a better understanding of your behaviour patterns and you can now build on your discoveries.

Based on the questionnaire exercise, test out your results over the next two weeks. Form a more concrete analysis by talking to people you trust about how they see you; notice your behaviours in action and take note of the patterns that are most dominant for you.
Notice specific situations or people that influence you to react in an unassertive way. What is it about the person or event that provokes that reaction.