Super self-confidence – a German Shepherd is not a Dachshund…

© Jorgan Harris. jorganharris.co.za

1. The Dachshund and the German shepherd

As a child, my parents had friends who farmed on a nearby farm. Uncle Bertus had a dog, a Dachshund, with the ironic name of Pavlov. A really cantankerous animal that ruled the entire farm, literally bullied everything and everyone. Uncle Bertus later got a puppy, a German Shepherd.

As a puppy, the German Shepherd was bullied mercilessly by Pavlov.  A few years later, when the German Shepherd had grown into a mature dog, Pavlov continued to bully him and ironically, he allowed this abuse.

This continued until one particular incident- there was a commotion on the farm one night. From what I remember- strange people had arrived on the farm and in the chaos the Shepherd bit Pavlov, not realizing who it was.

When the Shepherd realised he had caught Pavlov- he let him go.  Pavlov never bullied the Shepherd again.

It took the Shepherd one moment, one experience to realise that he was a German shepherd. In my experience, this is the turning point when people realise they are not a victim, but are and have always been a survivor. You sometimes need that magic moment to come to the realisation that you are a conqueror.

2. Self-esteem is much more than just self-confidence

The word “esteem” comes from the Latin word aestimare which literally means to put a value on. It is therefore about the value you place on yourself as a person. People with a high self-esteem have a strong sense of themselves, they like themselves and they can recognise their inner feelings and manage them. They also have a strong sense of their own sense, meaning and purpose in life.

Self-esteem is the term used to describe the scale that you measure yourself on. High self-esteem means that you place high value on yourself, that you believe in your own worth and accept yourself for who you are and it will usually dictate how you think, feel, act and even dress.

When you accept yourself, you can live with yourself, you are comfortable with your strengths and your weaknesses without being unduly critical of yourself. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself the same way you treat someone that you have a lot of respect for. When you trust yourself, you know that you can depend on your subconscious to show you the things you want to get done. To believe in yourself means that you feel you deserve the good things in life.

3. How to recognise a good self-esteem?

People with a good self-esteem are people who do not have to prove themselves. Suppose you are at a social event, looking at three specific people.  There is the man who sits in a corner hiding. He clearly does not have good self-esteem. The second person is the man who is the heart and soul of the party. He is loud and everyone knows him, is aware of his presence. He may not have a good self-esteem, as he might be hiding behind a mask of being loud. Then you observe a third person, the man you just know is there. He does not say much, but when he speaks, people tend to listen.

Therefore, someone with a low self-esteem tends to:

  • always brag
  • belittle others
  • are show offs
  • call others names
  • take over conversations
  • brag about their achievements

People with a good self-esteem:

  • like themselves
  • have a strong sense of themselves
  • have a clear sense of purpose in life
  • recognise their internal state and can manage it
  • have a quiet self-confidence
  • are not looking for compliments, but knows how to handle compliments well
  • are fairly humble
  • regularly see other people’s successes and are interested in it
  • do not need to get recognition from others
  • are happy with others about their achievements.

4. You are in control of your life

You are in control of your life all the time, because you always have choices.

You have always been a survivor. You have experienced so many problems and crises and you’re still here. Why would you not survive any future problems?

We are feeling too much like victims. It’s never someone else’s fault. If you do not take control of your life, other people will take control of it for you. You are in control of your life and you allow things to happen to you or not.

To blame someone else is to give that person power over your life. You play the “victim” role, blaming your own “misfortune” on circumstances or events that have made you unhappy or maybe blaming other people because they “abuse” you. Once you realise that you are in control of your life, that you alone have the power to change for the better, is when people begin to treat you better. This fundamental view shift has to come from you for it to ripple to the people around you.

5. Thoughts become things

What you think is what you believe and what you believe is what you will be. If you believe you are inferior, stupid and ugly, you will be exactly that.

One of the best forms of evidence for this is the so-called “fake pregnancies”. Those women so firmly believe that they are pregnant, their body take the form of a pregnant woman, their belly begins to swell, breasts grow bigger and even their menstrual cycle ceases. That’s the power of imagination.

The beauty of this is that when you believe you are confident, is when you think you are confident. And when you think you are confident, you will start acting confident. When that confidence begins to shine through in your actions and mannerisms, other people begin to see it as well and your confidence in yourself grows. It is as easy as that.

6. But things also become thoughts … and consequently feelings (physiology)

Things can also become thoughts. Your feelings or physical sensations – in other words, your physiology can influence your thoughts and your beliefs.

Do the following exercise: As you are sitting, tense your buttocks, your legs and your whole body. Now tense your body and imagine your body to be tense. After a while you will realise you start to get negative thoughts and worries. You start to worry yourself out of the blue!

Now do the opposite. Relax your buttocks, your legs and your whole body. You may find that you start to relax more and worry less.

You can also use your physiology to feel different.

7. Feel good, look good

What came first: the chicken or the egg? Do your need to feel good first in order to look good, or do you need to look good first in order to feel good. If you feel good, you’re in a better frame of mind to make yourself look good. And when you look good, you feel good. And these two states complement each other constantly. And if you feel better, you become more attractive.

The French women’s style is effortless and yet flawless. They just always seem comfortable in their own skin. Iconic examples are the fashion designer Coco Chanel and actress Catherine Deneuve, who were not exactly classically beautiful, but were yet counted among the most seductive, stylish and charming women in the world – women who left many men heart-broken, even in their autumn years. It has nothing to do with their DNA, but simply because they had absolute faith and confidence in themselves and in their own style. French and French women appreciate and validate women as beautiful and interesting. Aging is not a blur in their beauty, but only a sign of maturity, intelligence and experience that makes them even more fascinating.

I’m sure you can think of someone who is not generically attractive but they have that “something” that brings out their unique beauty.

The secret to self-confidence doesn’t lie in your physical appearance but in your attitude and the way you carry yourself. Attractiveness is created by your state of mind and how it affects those around you, not by expensive clothes or hairstyles. If you picture yourself as strong, sexy and confident then that aura will ripple out to others and become the reality.

And you too CAN model this same attitude.

Think of someone who you think to be attractive. It could be friends or celebrities who you see on TV or in movies. Watch their behaviour closely.

They enhance their attractiveness:

  • with their posture and will stand or sit up straight;
  • they will open their eyes wide;
  • with their smile;
  • with the easy and confident way they communicate.

When they do this, they begin to feel good about themselves and they begin to look good and you begin to see them as good and attractive.

And when they do this, the following physiological responses starts to take place:

  • their skin begins to brighten up;
  • they look healthy, and
  • they look more attractive.

The better they feel, the better they look. This cycle continues to create an image that others see as attractive.

Now do the same for a moment. Think of a person whom you consider to be attractive and confident. Imagine (thoughts become things) that you put yourself in this person’s body and just imagine yourself to be doing what this person is doing:

  • sit or just stand up straight;
  • open your eyes bigger;
  • smile;
  • imagine communicating in an easy and confident way.

What do you get? Are you feeling immediately more self-confident?

This is because you can control your self-confidence with your physiology.

8. You can manage your physiology by using the following:

The way you speak:
Your physiology can control your feelings in the way you speak. It can also determine your self-confidence.

  • Speak:

–   softer

–   slower

–   lower (a lower tone of voice)

You can feel yourself feeling more in control of a situation.
Scream, shout and swear and you can feel how you feel out of control.

  • Eye movements:

When you are experiencing an unpleasant emotion, you can simply change your emotions with your eye movements. Just look up. When you do, you realise that it is impossible to feel emotional at all.

9. Therapy

The following therapeutic techniques/processes van help rebuild your confidence”

  • Hypnosis and NLP will help you to increase your self-confidence
  • BWRT and hypnosis can help you work through those incidents that broke your self-confidence and/while
  • Mindfulness may help you to live in the moment.